


Breathe Your Smoke Into My Lungs

by heijihatsutori



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, M/M, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 20:36:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3147776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heijihatsutori/pseuds/heijihatsutori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He feels sick, yet at the same time he’s not, just hollowed out and empty and he has no idea what kind of expression he is making at the moment but Siwon leaves him with a pat on the shoulder and for a while all he do is stay rooted at the spot, unmoving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe Your Smoke Into My Lungs

**Author's Note:**

> A remix of [mo_chan_tf](http://mo-chan-tf.livejournal.com)'s [Ashes](http://mo-chan-tf.livejournal.com/32572.html). Written for [k-pop_ficmix](http://k-pop_ficmix.livejournal.com/profile) 2014.

_And I just want my heart to fall apart, to ashes_   
_And I just want this love to waste away, to ashes_

 

 

*******

  
  
            The yellow fan lies innocently on the sofa, and Eunhyuk, still high despite the fatigue seeping in every fiber of his being from the recording, picks it up and sways, imitating the grace in the performance.  
  
            There is a shadow of dread toying at the back of his mind -the subject of Heechul, Hankyung, and the performance had been an open secret that remains unspoken in the dorm- but he finds himself too giddy to care.  
  
            It disappears when Donghae steps in, laughing at his fail and promptly starts a dance battle using the said fan, until Leeteuk had enough with all the ruckus they were making and puts a stop to it by screaming from across the room.  
  
            Sungmin picks it up later when he accidentally steps on it on the way to the kitchen for water, and puts it on the rows of books by the shelf.

 

*******

  
  
            Kyuhyun finds a yellow fan on the shelf when he is helping Ryeowook arranging the said shelf, and fiddles with it absentmindedly all throughout the day, curiosity burning in his mind when waves of déjà vu keeps hitting him but he just cannot seem able to place where and when he sees it.  
  
            His answer came when the whole of them -minus Hankyung who somehow manages to get away from the weekly review of the shows they were featured or guests in- gather in front of the TV to watch the broadcast of Star King, and Heechul plops down beside him at the edge of the cramped sofa.  
  
            He recognizes the fan almost immediately, dread settling in the pit of his stomach, and when Heechul all but grabs the fan from his admittedly loose grab of the said object, he keeps a poker face, and settles to fiddle with Zhou Mi’s hair on his other side the rest of the show.  
  
            He allows himself a pat on the back for not flinching at the sound of Heechul’s door slamming shut, so loud it rattles the wall when the elder storms off into his room, just after ten minutes in of the performance-that-shall-not-be-mentioned.

 

*******

  
  
            Leeteuk stands in front of Heechul’s door, face uncertain, but a knowing nod from Kangin and he exhales, reaching to the knob and almost surprised when the door does not budge. But then of course it will be locked, what was he thinking?  
  
            Berating himself for the blunder, he called.  
  
            “Heechul-shii?”  
  
            A loud sound of things clacking greets him back and dread starts pooling in his stomach. But years of being the leader to 10+ grown up men with diversifying personality had taught Park Jungsoo a lot on how to remain calm when conflict arises, and he schools his expression just in time for the door to clicked open.  
  
            Still he catches his breath at the throat, just by having one look on Heechul’s face.  
  
            “What do you want?”  
  
            The dread returns in full force with the intensity of the other’s voice, and he is sure he can no longer hide the worry from showing on his face, but he trudges on.  
  
            “Kangin said he saw you taking the lighter from the kitchen and we need it to make dinner, but—are you okay?”  
  
            Heechul is staring at him now, eyes blank and weary before retreating into the room and shows up with the lighter, which he all but shoved at Leeteuk’s hand.  
  
            “Here. Now go away.”  
  
            The door is slightly ajar and Leeteuk catches the sight of the yellow fan in the bowl at the floor, the lighter in his hands, and it’s not hard to put two and two together. He almost takes a step forward, trying to get in and maybe get Heechul to talk -on what he don’t know but anything can do, anything to keep the haunting expression off the other’s face- but the man’s steely gaze pierces at him, and he remains rooted at the hallway.  
  
            He cannot stop himself from asking, though.  
  
            “You were going to burn something…?”  
  
            Heechul’s lips curve into a bitter, distorted smile.  
  
            “My heart.”  
  
            As he opens his mouth to speak again, Heechul closes the door.  
  
            He proceeds to the kitchen and hands over the lighter to Kangin, helping with dinner here and there but all he can think is how wrong the expression is on the other’s pretty face.

 

*******

  
  
            Siwon founds the bowl under the table in the morning, when he is looking for the fallen pen he swear he left in Heechul’s room that one time, the slats of the yellow fan in it, torn apart beyond repair.  
  
            He can feel Heechul’s stare on his back, as if willing him to say something, anything even, but he clams up and wordlessly reaches to take it out, along with the black trash bag from the bin at the corner of the room.  
  
            If his posture was a tad too rigid and his hold on the bowl too strong it turns his knuckles white caught the other’s attention, Heechul doesn’t say it.  
  
            The elder still remains silent when he steps out, the door closes with a soft click, and Siwon lets out a breath he doesn’t realize he’s holding the whole time he’s inside.

 

*******

  
  
            Hankyung returns to the dorm just in time for Siwon to step out of his and Heechul’s room, a bowl and the trash bag in his hands. He doesn’t need to say anything, as Siwon gestures him to follow the other to the kitchen, and puts the bowl on the counter, before throwing out the trash in the larger bin by the refrigerator.  
  
            “I just thought you might need this still.”  
  
            He stares blankly at the ruined yellow fan, and the look on Siwon’s face tells him everything he ought to know.  
  
            He feels sick, yet at the same time he’s not, just hollowed out and empty and he has no idea what kind of expression he is making at the moment but Siwon leaves him with a pat on the shoulder and for a while all he do is stay rooted at the spot, unmoving.  
  
            The rustle of footsteps coming his way snaps him out of his reverie and he gathers the bowl into his hands and walks out of the kitchen, but not before sneaking the lighter into his back pocket.  
  
            He walks out of the dorm and climbs the stairs to the rooftop, the cold wind chilling him slightly, but he finds himself too numb to care.  
  
            Settling himself at the corner hidden by the door, he puts the bowl down and swiftly flicks the lighter out, turning it on and off before setting the fan on fire.  
  
            He sits there and watches, as the fan burns away, till nothing is left but ashes.  
  
            He resents not being able to do same to his own heart.

 

*******

 

_And I just want this love to waste away, to ashes_   
_And I just want my heart to tear apart, to ashes_

 


End file.
